When Every Correction Becomes a Fight: Understanding Kids with Big Behaviours

Allius Counselling and Family Mediation Services
Oct 07, 2026

Sep 30, 2026 · Lurline Ketler-Raposo MA, RCC-ACS, BCRPT-S, PC

If this sounds like your house

You ask your child to put the tablet away. Ten minutes later, someone is crying, a door has slammed, and somehow it is your fault. You have tried charts, consequences, taking things away and walking away. Nothing sticks, and you are running on empty.

If that sounds familiar, first, let me say that you are not an inadequate parent, and your child is not a "problem child." Many children who struggle with defiance, meltdowns and aggression are carrying something most adults don't understand -- a deeply felt belief that they are not good enough. Once you understand that, the behaviour starts to make more sense, and there are things you can do at home, starting this week.

Why correcting them so often backfires

When any of us gets our buttons pushed, we get defensive. And when we get defensive, we point the finger at others. Children who struggle with their behaviour are often experts at blaming everyone and everything else.

For a child who is quietly afraid of being incompetent, being told what they did wrong lands as proof of their inadequacy. So they protect themselves with, "He started it." "You never told me." "That's not fair!" If it can be someone else's fault, there is nothing for them to have to fix.

This is why the lecture after a tantrum rarely works. We want our kids to take responsibility and to know what to do differently. But a defensive child cannot get there. The more we point out the mistakes, the harder they dig in. The worse their responses become.

Approval, attention, alone

Play therapist, Scott Riviere, describes what these children are looking for in three words, which he calls the three A's.

Approval is what they want most. It is elusive for some children with behaviour challenges. But adult approval is the antidote to that inner fear of not being good enough.
Attention is the backup plan. If a child cannot win your approval, they will settle for your reaction. As Riviere puts it, the solution becomes, if I can't successfully show you I'm good, I'll show you I can be really bad. Some attention -- even bad, is better than no attention at all.
Alone is very hard for these children to bear, because being ignored confirms their fear that they are not good enough. When a child is finally calm, playing quietly or just getting along, we breathe a sigh of relief and turn our attention elsewhere which is a big miss. Those are exactly the moments that matter most. If the only time a child reliably gets our attention is when things go sideways, they learn that trouble is the surest way to be noticed.

Here is the hard part. Most consequence systems, from colour-coded charts to losing privileges, are built so that adults step in when things go wrong. Without meaning to, we end up handing out attention for misbehaviour and very little approval for anything else. The child's motivation drops, the parent feels less capable, and both get stuck in a stuck pattern neither of them wants. For kids with behaviour problems, the more genuine positive attention they receive, the better they are able to stay on track. The way out is not to correct every little thing. It is to show up when things are going right, including the ordinary moments when nothing is going wrong at all.

The bucket with holes

Picture two kids who each hit a home run. Both feel great. Next time up, both strike out. One shrugs it off because there is still some confidence left over from the home run. The other throws the bat, says "I hate this game," and insists it wasn't a strike.

Riviere describes the second child's self-confidence as a bucket full of holes. You can keep it full with a steady stream of praise, but the moment the praise stops, it drains. That is exhausting for parents and it does not build anything that lasts.

What patches the holes is not just cheerleading. It is the child seeing, over and over, real evidence that they can do beneficial things. Praise for effort they actually made does the heavy lifting. Praise for nothing falls flat and feels empty.

Not every child shows this insecurity. Strong-willed kids often hide it behind defiance. Kids with ADHD may show it in arguments and meltdowns. Anxious kids tend to wear it more openly. It can be there either way.

Five things to try at home this week

Set the bar where your child can clear it. Start with expectations low enough that success is highly likely. The goal early on is giving your child, and you, the experience of things going right. This builds momentum to keep trying and working to please you.
Catch them doing it well, and be specific. "You put your shoes away without being asked" does more than "good job." Aim to notice more good moments than problem moments. Every small one counts in the beginning as long as there it evidence. Kids who feel approved of by their key people, are far less defensive, and far more likely to notice what they missed on their own.
Offer "boss time." Riviere suggests giving your child about five minutes of play every day where they get to be in charge and you follow their lead. Set up safety of no hurts to people or things then you can safely take their direction. When a child knows they will get some power a few times a week, they have less reason to fight you for it the rest of the time.
Make room for big feelings in play. Games, drawing, outdoor and pretend play gives kids safe places to work through anger and frustration, including the practice of making mistakes and losing. Practising mistakes and losing in a low-stakes activity at home is practice for the sports field and the classroom.
Let them be the expert on problem-solving. When something goes wrong, and once everyone is calm, ask your child for ideas about how to fix the problem. Have them pick one or two ideas that they are willing to try, then agree together on how you will both know it happened. Kids follow through far more on plans when they helped build them.

And what about you?

Parenting a child like this is hard, and most people around you have no idea just how hard. Teachers, grandparents and well-meaning friends may have opinions that may even feel like judgement. You may be carrying guilt, exhaustion, fear about your child's future, or a quiet resentment you would never say out loud.

All of that is common, and none of it means you cannot turn it around. It most likely means your own bucket needs attention too. A parent who is running on empty will struggle to notice the good moments. That is simply what results from fatigue and depletion.

On an honest note, we know that these behavioural tendencies are often part of a child's temperament and biology, which means they may not disappear. The aim is not to change who your child is. It is to help them, and you, to build the skills and the relationship to handle it well.

When to reach out for support

The ideas above can make a real difference on their own. But it may be time to bring in extra support if the behaviour is getting worse despite your best efforts, if aggression is putting anyone at risk, if the school is calling regularly, or if you are feeling hopeless or resentful toward your child. Parents often wait until they are completely worn out. You do not have to.

At Allius Counselling Services, our play therapists work with children using the language they know best: play. Through play and expressive arts, children practise self-control, patience, handling anger and solving problems in a way that feels empowering rather than like another lecture. Just as importantly, we work alongside parents, because the changes that last happen at home, not only in our clinic.

We offer play therapy, child and youth counselling, and parenting support in Nanaimo and Duncan. If you are ready to stop feeling stuck, reach out to book a consultation. You do not need to have it all figured out before you call.